I'm soooo tired from work and writing; i was going to write more and perhaps i will later this week, but for now i am going to post wonderful gifs by my friend Ted of my characters since they are awesome and make me smile. Best gift ever

My smilers

I was intending to write something here on the 13th, the date of which i remembered my site and subsequently my 21st birthday. i didn't get around to it as i was busy, but I'm here now, so that's okay. I was supposed to travel out of state again on the 13th, but that got rescheduled, so either way it would've been late.

My birthday was good. I had a very fun day, and plan to do more this following saturday. I have family who loves me and friends who care for me deeply, and both seem to grow as time goes on. I am happy about this. My new medication is also helping me a lot, and i've finally been able to keep it daily. I am also now enrolled in school.

But in honesty, i feel strange about things, but it's kind of a strangeness that is a mix of both old and new feelings. Another year of my life has passed and a new one is beginning. It's frightening how fast life seems to go as it goes along, but your brain just can't seem to keep up. I hadn't expected to make it to where i am, but i have, and it's both relieving and shocking.

I feel like i've reached another breaking point. I don't know how many there are, but it was definitely another i've passed. I have been forcing myself downwards over some things I'd experienced a year or two ago, cooccurring with various difficulties of my homelife. I've developed a strange form of social anxiety that i'd never had before. I just can't take doing this anymore. I cannot allow myself to keep flattening myself so the world can continue to step on me. I'm hoping some decisions i've made tonight will continue to help me recover and find some sort of direction and the ability to feel free. It's been happening, but it's gradual. Life is just sort of a big game of going back and forth, i've come to realize

I feel like everything i've written before this is just pandering to those who may be viewing, mostly strangers and old friends, and not a true representation of my mind. Forcing up the positives in a desperate attempt to relieve the negatives. Not to say that it all isn't somewhat accurate, but i am not being fully true to myself. Life is incredibly hard at times, and I've stopped journaling. I've been far busier than i ever have been, but things have been better than they've ever been. But it never really is good enough for me. I don't know if it ever will be. I don't write any of this in sadness, but in honesty.

I'm really tired of feeling like i'm waiting for my life to begin. When will i start living? It feels too late, at times, if i'm honest. I feel like i'm closer, but it is still out of my reach. But small inches are better than no movement at all. I have to take control of my own life, even if i feel like i don't have that control- and that's sort of a tough realization i have had to make. When will the means ever be right on their own? I just have to make them so somehow.

I guess all i can say is that i hope this is a new chapter of my life and that i look forward to things this following month. I hope my loathing and my sadness continue to leave me. I hope something changes and that i can begin to find myself and develop something new in my life. I want to live. That's all i can really ask for, i think

Goodnight 🌙

i hadn't realized it has been so long since i've written something here. i didn't intend for that but life just became so much so quickly.. and i am back to feeling embarrassed about entries again.. sorry about january's. i don't know what was happening to me there. the thing i mentioned happening on jan 23rd happened and it sort of helped but i'm not quite there yet. i need to follow up on things at some point

surgery recovery is going nicely and i'm back to work. thinking about quitting and was planning on filling out more applications tonight. feeling weird about it especially tonight .. it was supposed to be temporary but it has been almost two years..? thinking in retrospect i think the gap year i took was just wonderful for me but it's sort of insane just how quickly you can get sucked into retail. it's been so long and it feels like nothing. Anyway i think i will be starting college in the fall

i came here thinking of so much to write but it just zapped from my brain. Whatever. i've made many more friends and i bought concert tickets the other night and asked my friend if she wanted to go. doing a lot more with my creative endeavors i suppose.. i feel finally at an ok point with drawing humans. looking forward to artfight this year, and my friend rose is helping me with new refs for my characters disa and benjamin, so that will be just lovely (stopped caring about being nervous about them).. didn't think about anything for benjamin until i suddenly started feeling better about him after a year, i suppose.. so i'm not sure.. drew him for the first time in a year too the other night. time passes stuff changes things look up i guess. i also have a new fursona now

i've lost about 20 or so pounds since january and my posture is getting a lot better (surgery helped), and i've started caring a lot more about my fashion, diet, weight and dental care, all of which i realize are incredible improvements and milestones (also including me finally figuring out college) and it's like well. i guess things are getting better and looking up like everyone said they would but it's just so.. it's so hard to recognize it especially when you've been in such a depressive foggy haze for like, 7 or so years straight you know. there's still so much left to go but i try to remember where i'm at whenever i feel down and i suppose i came into writing this feeling dismayed but well things are working.. maybe there is hope for me and i really appreciate my friends and support system who care for me. i will not become a misanthrope!!!!

i've drawn so much more and i still need to make a gallery page but truth be told i don't know if i'll ever even do it. i don't feel like attaching anything here at this moment.. maybe next entry. might also switch my site over to nekoweb but i'm still thinking on that, a friend recommended it and i was like ohhh.. who knows maybe. we'll see.. we'll see how it all goes. also i'm changing this stupid fuck ass font i don't care anymore I DON'T CARE!!

feeling this much lately also

peace and love and friendship and good tidings xxx good luck to all and be well this may

i started writing this having a whole big thing to talk about but i just realized i was about to indulge some private information and that irl people may see this.. oops.. i kind of miss anonymity.. i just kind of want to write something. i've done nothing all day

having something potentially life-changing occur on the 23rd and i am very excited. i needed this to happen for the longest time- and it took forever!- but at least it's happening. maybe this will be a turning point for me. i hope it is

this is also going to be the year i overpower my attention span and actually make a pmv or amv or something I have so many ideas. and i need to take 4 trips out of state this year to beat my record last year. Lest i kill myself

i've also gotten crazy into the trolls franchise (which i think is in part due to being crazy depressed and stuck in my house but also it's just honestly really good) and i've actually been drawing fanart. it's crazy

I think i'm in love with him. here's my fanart (click the thumbnail for full size) this one is probs the best yet.. i need to draw him 80 times so i 100% perfect how to draw trolls. Then never do it ever agaiiiinnnnn

i'm also thinking about changing this pages font.. i know i said i would stick with it no matter what but honestly it is getting annoying as hell and it clashes.. and it's just kind of hard to read. I love you ed even if you're not in the forefront of my mind anymore you will forever be in my heart and all my trolls & detractors have gross mental issues. they love drama and are all jealous of my precious army man blood #truth #SorryNotSorry

i'm hoping next month goes well for me. pray for me. I LOVE LIFE!!

i can't believe it's 2024 now. this site is almost 5 years old and i have been coding for over 7-8 years. everything is crazy. i turn 21 this year. i can legally drink. wow

i was meaning to write something when i got back from my trip in november but i just (???) and never got around to it. no matter how many times i re-do this page or try writing something just to write something it never feels right, like i'm painting over myself to appear more appealing. it never sounds like me and my past entries feel genuinely insufferable. i don't know how to fix this. whatever

i did end up going to the con as daan, but it was kinda half-assed and i couldn't wear the eyepatch well. i do not do good with wigs. so i don't know.. i don't think i looked much the part but i tried, nobody recognized me which was sad but i guess to be fair in the grand scheme of things it is more niche, so who knows. it was an interesting con tho and i saw lots of cool people, and got to go to a few panels that surprisingly featured 2 actors individually that starred in this show that is nostalgic(? i guess this is the right word) to me because my aunt and i watched it together years ago.. it was really nice. i wonder if there are any recordings of it on youtube

i had surgery on the 27th of december, on my foot, a calcaneal osteotomy (?) if i recall correctly. i'm struggling with it just as much as i thought i would, maybe a little more. i feel like people really take their ability to walk without error or pain for granted.. i've been house-bound and stool bound (my balance is too bad for crutches and my house too small for a wheelchair) and its honestly got me a little glum, especially around new years time.. i was hoping to go out this yr for it, maybe with some friends, but i think it'll have to wait till next yr.. i also didn't use my computer for a few days (don't have a desk) which generally meant i was couch-bound for around 4 days with little to do which earnestly i think was slowly driving me insane. but i'm alright now. i do really miss going to work though, it's hard not feeling productive or 'useful' anymore (and i miss money)

honestly just feeling a little glum and melancholy about everything tonight. i hope i can leave some of this mental garbage and old memories behind me this new year. 2023 was a remarkably hard year emotionally for me despite all the good and it's very hard not having closure on some things but i suppose it'll all be soothed with time.. i think i need to learn to love myself. This is my last year being depressed

i also keep finding myself coming back to this song for some reason this past month. it's incredibly beautiful. i recently read up about the singer, judi singh, and later found out she died in 2021 (if i recall correctly) i don't know what it is about this song and her story specifically. but it just makes me both equally sad and amazed by human existence and experience. i keep struggling with acknowledging mine and my loved one's mortality without getting upset (especially since my grandfather's passing since the one year anniversary is coming up on the 12th, i miss you grampa) and this song just really got me in so many ways. this is a good article on judi singh, i'd recommend giving it a read if you want. i hope she lived a wonderful life and that you are too

up and down and round and round and up and down and round and round and up and down and round and round...

decided to go as daan of fear and hunger 2: termina fame for the convention with help from friends to throw the outfit together; may or may not put pictures here, depends on if i like how i look in it most likely so we'll see. wondering if i'll run into anyone who knows who he is

also finally sat down and started to play f&h2 proper this time (playing as someone who has the chance to start with more at the beginning as opposed to daan who i love but has been extremely difficult for me to play as) and i chose o'saa — i like him a lot; not sure if i was just extremely lucky or this is just how it is playing as him but i randomly found a salmonsnake rune and (a/the) book of enlightenment both within the span of 10 or so minutes which was nice. lol

this says a lot about society!!!

not much else really going on besides counting down the days till i leave/finally having an ortho appointment after however many years. maybe i'll finally be able to get a proper job after everything. maybe more full-time hours .. LIFE OR DEATH FOR BERRYBOY!!

i leave for minnesota in two weeks— my third trip this year (MN in jan, OR in august) i have done so much more this year than i was ever anticipating. my lovely buddy seb bought the plane ticket this time around, which was a nice reprieve from my poor financial state right now lol (only 1000 or so-ish left to go on my car payment) i owe him my heart and my soul

i will also be attending my first general convention there— a lot of firsts this year— which i am really looking forward to, especially with the cast of my name is earl being there .. surprising....!!! but so exciting! i will have to bring my warren keychain along with me again. first convention, first car, first time trying heavier drugs, first time keeping a job for over a year, etc. .. been a good year so far and i am happier with where i am now than i have been in honestly a few years; my journals here from 2018 - 2019 are crazy in comparison to now .. i don't know how i felt okay writing and posting those, especially with such a heavy public eye.. but i hope that this pattern continues; i am also especially enjoying the progress of my creative endeavours — which i hope means that i will finally get around to making some sort of artwork/gallery showcase. i know i have been saying this for months but if i believe in myself hard enough maybe it will finally happen. i invented a new sandwich.. peanut butter, salt,

first entry with my new journal layout (fear and hunger 2: termina themed because i adore the aesthetics and artwork of the game) - got immensely embarrassed with my old entries and the ever-increasing length of the page and decided to gut it - i'll still keep it up as an archive, i think, but under a new title so it isn't as easy to find. i'm also going to try writing more .. abstractly? we'll see going forward. going to do some general re-writing of things tonight, i think

i also finally found a use for the edward nashton/(the) riddler font i've had saved for monthsss and months.. i love it. if you can't read this sorry. i'm not changing it